Such a long time since I updated...please forgive me!Even though we've been here for two months, we still learn how to how to do things. Like shop. The kids can drink tea and hot chocolate at school if they have a mug. So, clearly, we need to
get some! I picked up the kids from school and we walked to the closest mall to find them plus some other fun stuff (I brought the granny cart for shopping ease, and let's face it: it's a good look for me). We first went to Toys R us to look for some games in Hebrew and a toy or two so we are not the boring house to play at on shabbat. One mug, two toys and a board game that we still can't find once we got home.
On to Homecenter (say it with a Hebrew accent, it's my favorite thing to say!), this is like TJ Max and Home Depot combined, but not as big. No acceptable mugs, one basket for non-existent toys, and one very tall glass vase shattered in the checkout line (they were very nice about it, and wouldn’t let us pay…maybe it’s because we blamed it on the people behind us.)
On to Mega, a huge grocery store with some kitchen tools and accessories as well. All three stores are right in a row, so hey! No problem to go from one to the next. One mom, a granny cart and three kids with heavy backpacks can totally hack it (why they are so heavy, I have no idea. Lunch bags should be lighter at the end of the day, and hey, it’s the Democratic School! It’s not like they have to take books. They should totally suck it up!).At Mega, there is a complicated procedure you must complete before you can spend your money. First, you go through security where an armed guard (we’ll meet him later, oh yes, spoiler alert!) goes through your bags (we totaled 5) while you walk through a metal detector. All of this is SOP for Israeli shopping, so far. Then, you release the grocery cart from bondage (will the yitziyat mitzrayim imagery ever get old? I think not) by either inserting a deposit of a 5 shekel coin, or you use a key chain device (for which you pay 10 shekel) which unlocks the cart. You see, Israeli’s won’t return the cart otherwise.
Sorry, I just noticed the camera battery's dead, other wise there would be a picture...how about this 16 Candles key chain instead?
You know you want one. It's awesome, but unfortunately, it won't buy you groceries.Anyway, you’ve got to pay to play! Then, you can push your cart through one more gate and load up! But only with the amount you are willing to shlep home (who’s idea was it to go without a car?!), or you can shop to your heart’s content and have it delivered (read: wait for hours for your groceries to be released from bondage and if you call at 9pm to see if they are ever going to come… you are reassured that you are the next delivery, B’emet!!). We were in shlepping mode. I was going to get a few things that this store has that fulfil our nutritional needs, but that you can’t find at the closer grocery store. No mugs, good noodles (the boing-boing kind that you just drop into miso soup and make miso happy!), and junk food for the kids’ lunches. They will never again be able to digest kosher Doritos with such regular abandon. I’m a sucker for the Holy Land. After paying (you load your own groceries into bags…Publix—I miss you!), we did the redistribute all the bags in and around the granny cart and send our grocery cart back into bondage. We were so close to a multi-meltdown experience, but we narrowly escaped. I think someone breathed on someone else, but who am I to point fingers?
Okay, already this has taken longer than I wanted. And we still have two planned stops left. That means we need a bakery stop pronto. No way do I want to shlep these kids around when their blood sugar level plummets. Next stop, English Cake; which in Hebrew reads, at first glance, like English Kike. A little shocking for a kosher bakery name, but as long as the cookies are good, what Heeb can complain? 3 cookies, two kinds of borekas and the need for more carbs. It’s a good thing there was another bakery across the parking lot. Hello, Borekas Ema! Here there are cakes, cookies AND bread and pita. Sweet and salty snacking dreams come true here.
Did I mention that this took place while Loren was in the states for 2 weeks?! That is a little clue about my brain power.
Borekas Ema= great pita. Okay, now we’ll walk to the other grocery store for the dairy products we need (closer to home, less time to spoil on the way and lighter to shlep). Dairy acquired, but we still need two mugs. /And I promised ice cream, like a fool. We walked to a house wares/gift shop even close to home (so close, and yet so proverbially far). Thank goodness, they have the mugs of our dreams! And there is ice cream happiness next door! And diet coke sustenance for me! Oh nectar of the gods, I appreciate your caffeinated goodness!
We happily made our way home, only 2 hours later than I thought. We got to see some friends hanging out on their balcony on the way home, and we happily relayed all that we had done, and spoke excitedly about getting home and having an easy dinner. We were tired and ready to be home.
I guess that’s what made it so hard when I discovered that I had left the keys in the grocery cart at Mega. We couldn’t get in. We could cry. We could scream. We could breath deeply and become one with the universe. We could also think fast. Thank God, thank God, I had the phone number of the family we had just seen on their balcony across the street. She, so kindly, made me believe that she was just going to take her kids to the playground and would love to have my too…after I put my groceries in her refrigerator and she called me a cab. What a great person!
I took the cab to Mega, thanked the service desk person for my keys and left the store with words of thanks on my mind.
Then, and only then did I think about what would make this funny for me. Because until then, I guarantee that it wasn’t. And then I thought of telling all of you about it! Yes, blogging makes everything funnier. And what is funnier than blogging your mishaps? Blogging with photos. Chuckling over my brilliance as I took the pictures of the mall signage, I, for the first time, started laughing to myself about what happened. I was still happy about 50 ft away when I realized that the machine-gun toting guard shouting, “Geveret! Geveret!” was running after me and trying to get my attention. Taking pictures at the Kotel is expected, at the grocery store? It’s highly suspect. And suspects must be questioned in the presence of firearms. I decided to fight the suspicion with broken Hebrew.
“Ma at osah po? Lamah at tzricah l’zalem et mega?”
What are you doing here? Why did you need to take pictures of mega?
I went for the high tech answer:
“Zeh bishvil ha blog sheli!” It’s for my blog!
Blank, irate stare. Blank, irate stare.
“Al ha internet! Yesh li blog al ha internet!”
On the internet! I have a blog on the internet!
Since I don’t know how to politely ask if he had internet access b’ivrit, I went for the story from the beginning. “Ha ba-al sheli b’artzot ha brit. Yesh li et kol ha yeladim b’atzmi!” My husband is in the States. I have all the kids by myself.
Laying it on thick is a talent. In very broken Hebrew, I went on to explain how we had an afternoon of shopping, at the end of which, I discovered my keys were lost. Not lost…but left at Mega in the cart. He was with me at this point, wanting to know how I drove home without my keys. I think I had his full sympathy when I explained our mode of transportation. He was prepared to accept my non-terrorist status.
I did ask if he wanted me to take his picture…bishvil ha blog! He took the stance of most security in Israel, including border checkpoints and Israeli pilots. No photos allowed.
Sleep well, my friends, the groceries are safe tonight.
